In the 1980’s when I began practicing medicine, I started out as a mainstream doctor wearing a starchy white coat with my name tag, stethoscope around my neck, and an air of authority, giving the false impression that I had all the answers. The kind of doctor that was modeled for me in my training had all the answers—and if he didn’t, he never let on—and never revealed his emotions, or anything about his personal life. Such behavior was considered inappropriate—a word that was used a lot to keep errant medical students in line.

Over time, that mode of practicing medicine proved to be unrewarding, separating me from the patient, and having little to do with healing. It seemed more about power and pills.

While I was still practicing in the conventional medical model before I veered off on my own, I tried to introduce a more collaborative approach with my patients, an approach that was respectful and took into account the unique aspects of each individual. I began to educate them about their bodies and about the choices they had in terms of remedies. I heard a recurring refrain, “Doctor, just tell me what to do and what pills to take. I don’t want to know all that stuff.” The patients I encountered gave over all their power to their doctors. They had been well-trained to be “good, cooperative” patients in the “Father-Knows-Best-what’s-good-for-you” system of medicine.

When I veered off the mainstream path, I began practicing in a way that was in alignment with my own values. I wanted a collaborative approach, one that empowered the patient to be involved in their own healthcare decisions, based on knowledge I could provide them. I told them, “I’m not your boss. I’m your ally and will do everything in my power to assist in relieving your distress and keeping you out of harm’s way.”

I attracted patients who preferred this kind of approach to medicine. An endless stream of refugees from mainstream medicine came knocking on my door.

Now, at this stage in my life, I want to give to my patients, friends, family—and to the world—the gift of my knowledge and observations gleaned from over three decades of practicing medicine, along with the story of my life, told with transparency, so that it might inform and inspire others who are struggling to overcome huge challenges in their lives and who are trying to live authentic lives in alignment with their souls’ calling.

The blogsite www.musingsmemoirandmedicine.com is purposely a mixture of memoir, musings, and medicine because this is who I am. I am a human being experiencing “the full catastrophe of living,” not just a one-dimensional doctor.

Why this introduction?

The fourth memoir excerpt, out of the series of five about my time in high school in Germany, has been put on hold due to a storm of controversy among family members and a few close friends. The third excerpt “Cutting Loose,” hinted at where the next post, “Summer with Jean Pierre,” was headed. Just the thought of the “S” word going public created an unanticipated firestorm.

A handful of readers have already read this post. When I was editing the piece late at night, I accidentally clicked on “Publish” instead of “Preview.” I was mortified because I had not finished editing the piece and had not yet changed the name of the protagonist to protect his privacy. I immediately “unpublished” the post, but about 100 people had already received it, to my chagrin. None of these people mentioned any problem with what they read. Some said they were delighted and found the piece “charming” and admired my courage for telling some of the intimate details of my life as a teenager in Europe.

What I wrote is actually quite innocent. It’s not even remotely pornographic, not even sexy or sensuous. It’s just a young girl witnessing a new experience in a very unusual setting in Turkey. And yet, the thought that I would make public this experience generated some heated comments from a handful of people close to me. Here are a few samples of what I received:

“…you’re a well-respected doctor. It’s distasteful talking about these intimate experiences. Stick with the medical blog posts.”

“I should tell you I had to stop reading halfway through your latest blog post about your relationship with ‘Jean Pierre’.  While the other bits and pieces of ‘memoir’ and also your vacations work out well, this is so personal it seems to somehow cross a boundary that’s not really fair to demand of your new readership.”

“ I feel very uncomfortable that you revealed intimate details about our family to the whole world.” 

“…I have friends who were fans of your medical and travel blog, but now I find myself hoping they don’t read your memoir blogs.  Why? Partly to protect you from their voyeurism.”

“I imagine your patients like hearing about your personal life, but many of your readers are people you don’t know. They are probably only interested in the medical blog posts and your travel adventures. They will probably be turned off hearing about your personal life.”

“…your position as a physician and source of medical information for a lot of people on your blog means that you need to be more discrete about your personal life. I’m sure that it won’t bother many of your patients/readers, but it will some of them, and they will simply be less comfortable with you in that capacity.”

“You shouldn’t write your memoirs on the blog posts. Just stick with the medical blogs and the travel writing. That’s what people like to read. You could write a separate book about your memoirs. That way people could decide if they wanted to read about your life or not.”

“I’m embarrassed for you and for my friends who signed up for the blog posts. They have to read all that personal stuff about our family.”

Here’s what the supporters said:

“Mom, I love your blog posts about your life, but I’m not going to read anything about your sex life. I’m your son. I know you understand how I feel. You felt the same way about your parents when they talked about those things. But keep writing, Mom. You’re doing a good job.” (Barrett, age 26, is very encouraging of my writing.)

“To me, you’re doing something really revolutionary here, something VERY needed—putting a human face on a doctor, which is also showing that you are a whole person, just as the way you treat people is whole.

It is sooooo consistent with who you are, right down to the risk taking and courage. I would be so sad if you stopped!

This is also why I’ve told you that I think your book needs to include all three topics that are in your blog. It’s unique.”

“Being a memoirist is about telling the truth. The best memoirists are willing to take risks and convey experiences that we all have, but not everyone talks about. That’s part of what is making memoirs so popular these days. That said, yes, you have to decide how important it is to tell your story, who it will hurt or piss off, and is that cost worth it to you.”

“These experiences are yours, they are the life you’ve lived, they are what has shaped you, what reveals you, what you have had to respond to. They are not only revealing about you, adding a valuable dimension to your other posts and doing the very rare thing of a doctor making herself look human, but they are also instructive in the ways that you show how a life can be lived with courage and curiosity. These reflections cannot but return your readers to their own versions of the same stories, possibly sparking memories long forgotten, helping them retrieve part of how life has forged them.”

“You are a writer Erica. A memoirist doing valuable things. It’s more than just gossiping about yourself and others for the fun of it. You write with integrity and purpose. It also puts you in the line of fire.”

“I’m so grateful for you sharing your story like you have. I think it’s important that you continue. There aren’t that many real things in the world today. This is one of them!” (written by a seasoned writer who has been a source of guidance for me)

“…I can understand your distress at people’s reactions to your posting your personal life on your blog, but I completely disagree with them. Different people have different reactions to everything. You were told some of your patients will perhaps see you differently because you have disclosed personal information. By the same token that could be very helpful to many others. I urge people to remember that you’re writing memoirs not just medical information. I think it’s a shame that there is such a need to force you into a box where you can only be a physician. You are many more things than that. I suppose if family members or anyone else doesn’t want to read what you have to say about your own life they don’t have to read it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel free to write it. That’s my reaction, not being a family member— just almost.” (From a close friend and confidante)

“…You are brave to write about such intimate aspects of your life. I wrote about my life growing up as a teenage boy under the safety of fiction. I encourage you to keep writing.” (Blog reader, patient, therapist and published author)

So, dear readers, here are my thoughts and actions after struggling with my feelings for the past few days.

• As suggested by one of my sisters, I emailed the blog post in question to Jean Pierre in Paris and asked him if it was acceptable to him to publish this information. After holding my breath in anticipation, he answered that the piece was very moving for him and brought back profoundly stirring memories from 50 years ago. His final sentence, in French, was “It is your story, your writing. How could I tell you it was not acceptable?” My sister felt better knowing that Jean Pierre knew in advance that I would publish this story in which he was the main protagonist—even though I used a pseudonym to protect his privacy.

• I am aware that I am not able to please everyone. I have a very mixed range of readers, well over one thousand, many of whom I know nothing about, not even their names.

• Since no one has complained about the medical posts and the travel posts, I will put more emphasis on giving out that kind of information.

• I will give thought to all the comments and treat them respectfully. But, ultimately, I need to follow my own truth.

• I’m always happy to hear from any of my readers.