On a whim, I decided to try out online dating. Several of my patients said they found their life partners on Match.com, or one of the other dating sites, and recommended that I give it a try. One of them warned me that you have to “kiss a lot of toads” before you find your prince. She urged me to give it a try. I told her I didn’t like the idea of kissing toads. She tried to convince me that it was worth it.
With my focus on raising my son and giving medical care to my patients, I didn’t have much time and energy left over to even think about dating. But, in 2014, out of a sense of curiosity, I decided to try out this system.
James lived in the southern part of New Mexico but came to Santa Fe frequently on business. He looked attractive in the Match.com photo and had led an interesting life as a teacher and a musician. He was an environmental activist and an advocate for social justice. He wanted to communicate with me.
I talked to friends about the best way to start the process of checking out James’s compatibility with me. Some advised to start slow with emails, then work up to phone conversations, and then, if the man seemed promising, to meet in person. Another person advised me not to waste time with the emails and phone calls but to meet right away in person. That way, I wouldn’t waste time with someone who might end up not being a good match. James expressed enthusiasm at the idea of meeting in person. We agreed to meet at a restaurant in downtown Santa Fe at 6 pm on a Sunday.
Many of my friends offered me last minute advice. My son said, “Mom, just be yourself and everything will be fine.” My friend from high school, John O’Conner, amused by my new adventure, advised me to “pack a gun and call home every hour.”
When I walked into the restaurant, I saw an older man sitting at a table holding a bunch of flowers in his hand and asking the waitress for a tall glass to put them in. The man looked much older than the man in the photo on the dating site.
Hmm. Either this is not the same man or he picked a photo from at least a decade earlier in his life. That’s not a good sign.
As I stood watching, he turned his head and saw me staring at him. He asked, “Are you Doctor Erica Elliott?” I answered, “How did you know I was a doctor?” He said he looked me up on the internet and read all about me. He said he’d love to talk at some point about some medical issues he was dealing with. I answered, “Could we talk about something else during this get together?”
I sat down opposite from James. He looked very eager to talk with me. We asked each other many questions about our past and present lives. After about 15 minutes of conversing, he reached over the table and took my hands in his hands, looked earnestly into my eyes and said, “You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.”
This guy just lost his credibility.
In 2007 a snowboarder crashed into me with devastating impact. Indirectly related to the accident, I ended up with brain damage that included eyes that don’t work together, with one eye deviated inward—not exactly the most beautiful eyes one has ever seen.
James’s next statement convinced me that I did not want to pursue our connection any further. He said with a look of exaggerated sincerity, “I have finally met my soul mate.” I asked how he knew that I was his soul mate. He said that he had a strong intuition.
And I had a strong intuition about him. My intuition was that I needed to get out of this situation as fast as I could. Yet, how to do it in a way that won’t hurt his feelings, or even worse, enrage him? I had heard of stories about jilted lovers who try to seek revenge.
I have to come up with some kind of excuse for wanting to go home. I have to make it look like I’m the problem and it has nothing to do with him.
“James, I have a confession to make. I’m married. I made a big mistake thinking that I could go on a date and get away with it.”
Understandably, James was shocked. He asked, “Who are you married to?”
I answered, “I’m not married to a person. I’m married to my medical practice. I devote all my time and energy to my patients. Right now, I feel like I’m committing adultery. I need to go home. I have a guilty conscience.”
James looked confused. After a long silence, he asked if he could become one of my patients. I told him my medical practice was full and that I wasn’t accepting new patients. I shook James’s hand and apologized for the inconvenience I had caused him.
On the drive home, I felt great relief from having extracted myself from a situation that didn’t feel right. I felt like celebrating my freedom.
The celebratory attitude was premature. The next day, I received several voice messages from James, begging to see me again and begging to be my patient. Then came the emails. I responded to his first voice message and his first email, asking him to stop communicating with me. His messages continued.
One day, as I sat in front of the computer, my nearby landline phone rang. In the dimming late afternoon light, the number on caller ID looked like the number of a dear friend in Oregon, also called James. I picked up the phone and exuberantly expressed how glad I was to hear from him, that I missed him, and told him how much I was looking forward to seeing him the next time he came to Santa Fe.
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone. Then I heard a vaguely familiar voice say, “I knew you’d eventually come around.”
Oh my God!!! It’s the James from Match.com!!
I slammed down the phone. My heart raced with the thought that the Match.com James might be stalking me.
A few days later, I took a walk along the Santa Fe River with my friend, Sherie. She asked how the Match.com adventure went. I related in detail my experience. She said, “One of my friends dated a man named James for a few months. He said some things to her that were very similar to what the guy said to you. What was your guy’s name?” I answered, “His name was also James. It’s clearly the same man. I’m really glad I trusted my intuition—and my highly sensitive BS meter.”
The Santa Fe River runs behind my house. I walk along the river almost daily. Walking in nature helps me get clarity on troubling issues and gives me a sense of peace and joy—in spite of it all.
I had told my 25-year-old son, Barrett, about my disappointing dating experience. He told me not to give up. He tried to give me a pep talk, telling me how brave I was, how I had climbed some of the tallest mountains under treacherous conditions, and led Outward Bound courses in the wilderness. So, why was I suddenly becoming so timid that I was ready to give up on dating after only one try?
I told Barrett I would make another attempt.The second man I connected with, named Robert, started a co-housing community in a remote area and was working toward making the community totally self-sustaining and self-sufficient. The information sounded very intriguing. I looked forward to learning more about this man. We agreed to meet at a high end Chinese restaurant in Santa Fe.
The evening turned out to be quite different than what I had expected. Robert jumped right in, talking about himself and his medical problems. Like James, he had looked me up on the internet and saw that I was a medical doctor. He obviously wanted to take full advantage of our encounter. The next 58 minutes consisted of a long description of all of Robert’s medical problems, including his prostate cancer, his lack of libido, his recent heart attack and the new treatment protocol he was trying out, his list of medications and their side effects. He included his former wife’s medical conditions as well. When I tried to steer the conversation onto a different track, after a few minutes he reverted right back to talking about himself and his problems. He was oblivious to my glazed-over look and the periodic yawns I tried to suppress.
After an hour I couldn’t take his medical monologue anymore. Although I absolutely love talking about medicine, I didn’t appreciate it in this particular setting. I checked the time and said that I had to go home. He asked the waiter for a separate bill for each of us. When he suggested we each pay for our own meal, I felt like telling him that he owed $200 for the medical consultation.
That second date marked the end of my relationship with Match.com. I decided that the universe was probably telling me that I wasn’t ready for dating.
One of my sisters, Jackie, has an uncanny ability to make predictions that come true in many cases. She predicted the exact year that her daughter would find her future husband. I asked her what she saw on her internal screen about me in regard to finding a life partner. After checking in with herself, she said that my life partner would come into my life when I turned 83.
Eighty-three?? Are you serious?
“Why when I’m 83, Jackie?” She answered, “That’s when you’ll have finished writing all your memoirs, including the health detective book, and you’ll finally retire from practicing medicine. You’ll have room in your life for a deeply meaningful and loving relationship with a man.”
I wonder if she’s right.
McCauley Hot Springs. Mother Earth is my true love and has been my soul mate throughout my life. She always helps me feel better, no matter what mental or emotional state I’m in. I feel embraced by her and loved unconditionally.
Dearest Erica, you brought up so many old memories from ( in my time) was blind dates from concerned
Friends. The separate checks! The self absorbed. I laughed out loud seeing that it has not changed since
Blind dates and newspaper ads like Judith did. The Spirits sent me the perfect man when I wasn’t looking
Anymore, content with my life as it was. The universe knows when it is the right time. God gave me 20 years.
I feel so blessed to have had him in my life, but he came to me when I was least expecting it. Your friends are right, the
Universe knows! Thank you for the crazy memories of blind dating. I love your writings so much. You are so gifted!
I know Judith had a good laugh and know she is watching over you too. Much love to you, Carol Dome❤️
What a treat to hear from you, Carol. Yes, I do think Judith is watching over us and got a good laugh. I still feel her spirit, especially when I’m on a walk in nature. Much love and warm hugs, Erica
Erica,
Thanks for sharing your online dating experience. It did leave me wondering though. You and I met on Match in 2014 and met up at the Tea House in Santa Fe. You told me I was the first person you had gone out with in 20 years and your first date on Match.
I listened to your adventures and stories and we both laughed non-stop. Since we both appeared to enjoy this time together, I was a little surprised to get an email from you the next day stating that you had decided not to date anyone again, because you felt married to your profession.
Perhaps this experience was so unmemorable that you chose to leave this out. So…I leave you with wishes for joy and happiness!
Dear Robert, what a pleasant surprise to hear from you! I left out our rendez-vous at the Tea House because I didn’t want to intrude on your privacy. I hope you can understand. Yes, I remember us laughing together and learning about your fascinating life. After the limited dating experiences I had, I came to the realization that I was happy with my life and didn’t feel like dating was the right path for me. Have you continued to date? Have you found a life partner? I hope you are happy and thriving–in spite of these times. Many blessings and lots of good wishes, Erica
Hi Erica,
I’m fairly new to your blog and love your writing and stories — oh, can I ever relate to your Match.com escapades!
Reading and listening to your memoir, Medicine, Miracles and in the High Desert, was a gift for my spirit. I read it just before moving to Santa Fe from North Carolina. After reading it, I said, Erica Elliott is a person I’d love to meet. Here’s my Amazon book review:
Medicine and Miracles in the High Desert: My Life Among the Navajo
This Memoir Ought to be a Movie!
Erica Elliott’s memoir shuffles its way to the top as a favorite memoir of mine. It’s inspiring, adventurous, endearing, and rich in Navajo culture. I not only read her book, but also listened to it, twice, on Audible. The author narrates her memoir, making it more personal, especially when Elliott’s inflections evoke her feelings. (Mine too). I felt like I was right with her on the Navajo reservation in Chinle, Arizona, teaching fourth graders, without knowing a lick of Navajo, (but she learned it), to waking up in the desert with a mountain lion starring her in the face. I felt sensations of magic, mystery, and healing when she attended Navajo Peyote ceremonies. I rode on horseback with her as a sheepherder, while gazing at spectacular Shiprock sunsets. And my heart skipped beats when Elliott, fresh out of medical school, begins her career in an isolated, ill-equipped clinic in Cuba, New Mexico, performing some harrowing emergency surgeries. Elliott’s memoir is culled from journals and cassette tapes she kept from 1973-1988. Her love of life, sense of adventure, compassion, courage, gumption, and adoration of the Navajo people and sacred landscape, radiates from the pages. This memoir is food for the soul.
I’m so deeply touched by your words, Jane. Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and colorful review. I hope you are enjoying your new life in Santa Fe. I have a feeling our paths will cross someday. Sending warm regards and many blessings. Erica
I’m glad you found humor in your mis-matched encounters with men. I feel sorry for them. They are either players seeking only sex without game enough to make your meeting a least a bit of fun, or men who think they need to behave differently on a date than when talking to someone they just meet. I’m not going to give these poor souls advice. I do have some for a woman seeking a match.
I don’t recommend on-line dating and don’t even like the word “date.” Why date someone you’re not interested in? It’s better to suss out a person to see if you want to go on a date with them. My advice is to talk to strangers, ones you are attracted to, where there is chemistry to begin with. Initiate a meeting when ever you find yourself attracted to someone. (Excluding work and professional relationships).
You might, for example, see someone at the grocery store, coffee shop, walking around town, church, a yoga class, the library, where ever you go. How do you know you find him interesting before you’ve met? Tunnel vision, a moment when everyone and thing but him seems to fade. When you get that feeling, act. There are ways you can initiate an encounter that make it easier for him to pick up on you.
Before we go deep, if a guy you are interested in comes up to you, don’t be coy. Turn it on. Smile! Sometimes it’s hard for a guy to know if a girl likes him. The woman is partly to blame. She might not be sure or understand that subtle does not work on men. To the men out there, if she smiles once, perhaps you’re not sure. If she looks at you again and smiles again, she’s interested. Approach her and engage in conversation.
If he doesn’t respond to your eye contact and a big smile, he’s either: 1) not interested 2) chicken 3) not getting the hint, or 4) married. Try giving him one last smile to make sure he got the hint.
Don’t decide you like a man and then act uninterested and coy. Using reverse psychology and playing hard to get doesn’t work on men. Once he knows you’re interested, playing is OK. Only after he knows you are interested.
If smiling and eye contact don’t cause a man to introduce himself you, the following are a few pick-up lines for women to use on men:
Ask for help. At the grocery store: “Is this a good brand?” or “What do you think of this brand?” an better, open-ended question that creates the opportunity for deeper conversation. Once talking, you might discover he’s married and that’s why he ignored your glances, leaving you feeling good that you made the effort and a new friend.
If you are traveling: “Hi, I’m by myself. I want to find a l place to sit and listen to music, that’s not a pick-up place. Do you know anywhere?”
In your home town: “You look like you get out. What’s cool to do here this Saturday?”
Keep your eyes and ears open for a man picking up on you, one who you like. Sometimes you might wonder if he’s being friendly or hitting on you. You won’t know until a conversation begins. That’s why it’s best to talk to strangers. A confident man at some point will make it clear that he’s interested by escalating a chance meeting with something like “You seem like an interesting person. I’d like to get to know you better. I’m having dinner tonight at _______ would you like to join me?”
Coincidental meetings happen every day, sometimes several. Be alert. Pay attention. Talk to strangers.
Daniel Isle Sky
Good advice, Daniel. You sound like you have a lot of experience in the male/female department. Have you ever thought of being a counselor for singles? Thank you again. Erica
I had to laugh, Erica. I had a similar experience when I asked to go home early on New Years Eve date & couldn’t get away fast enough. The date was a disaster. then I received a 6 page letter from the man saying how wonderful it was & he was deeply in love with me & knew we were meant for each other. I showed it to a friend for validation & she said the man sounded very immature. Yeeeees! One of my few ventures into dating in Santa Fe — the worst dating experiences of my life! But, I still feel that the Universe can bring 2 souls together that do mesh. So, maybe before we are 83!
Amazing how similar our stories are!! Yes, maybe before we’re 83, the Universe can bring us our soul mate. Haha.
Oh my, I think we both “dated” # 2, recall a conversation regarding. Yes, so many of my friends have found their partners on Match…I trust all in divine timing, all coming together at the right time and place, in perfection. Much love to you dear Erica!! xo
Haha. Date #2–the medical monologue. Yes, it’s all about divine timing, as you say. Love to you, dear Daryl. Erica
OMG dear Erica, I LOVE your dating stories. Maybe a new book? 😉 Much love from the Netherlands
Thanks, Geertje. I often think of you and wonder how you are doing in these crazy times. Maybe the Netherlands hasn’t been so crazy as here in the US. Sending you much love, Erica
I didn’t remember how amusing you can be.
There are many sides to your personality.
I hope you get the support you need from friends and family and perhaps when you least expect it from a partner…
Thanks, Lasita. Yes, there are many sides to me. I’m a Gemini. I use humor when I’m in tough situations—or looking back on tough situations. It helps me get perspective Love, Erica.
Hahaha! That’s too funny….in a sad way. My son Jesse, when in his late 20’s hadn’t dated in a few years. He wasn’t into the whole ld just find a wife and skip the whole dating thing. I said “that’s not how it works unfortunatly.” so for his birthday I bought him a subscription to Match.com and I sat him down at the computer and asked the questions and typed what he answered for maybe an hour or tow, I forget exactly how long it took, but it seems too long. Anyway,we finished and pushed the “finish” button to see the results. Match.com thought, and thought, and thought for wuite some time when finally it came up with the answer, “we have no matches for you at this time”!!! I thought he was about to shrivel up and become a monk, he was perplexed and sad at the same time… Finally two days later they notified him that there were 3 matches, none of whom interested him. Finally his room mate suggested he contact a female friend of his who had also been in architecture school, but she lived in Peru. They hit it off, texted and emailed and phone calls for a year when he decided to fly to Peru to meet har and her family. He came back beaming, in love. A few months later her returned to Peru and came back to announce his engagement. They’ve been married now for 12 yrs, have a beautiful 9 year old girl and live 20 minutes away from us, so we get to see them at will!
What a great story!!! I think it’s all about intention. I realize I was not setting clear intentions. I was giving the universe mixed messages. I have been married twice—–once for three years while in college and once for a year after I got pregnant in Cuba, New Mexico with Barrett’s dad. The marriages left me feeling ambivalent. We’ll see what unfolds for me. Thanks for sharing your son’s story. I loved it.
Hi Erica, gosh, you certainly gave a lot of people a nice smile! On one hand I am in the same camp as Hugo, do what you love and meet people who share that. And I don’t suggest waiting till you are 83! And along with Barrett, keep that undaunted part of you alive! I know how you can get ‘summit’ fever and be kind of driven (kind of, ha!). I think you took a great step taking an action towards something you desire. As you well know, for many of us, our relationship with our partner is hugely important. So work with your current love affair, love of our wonderful earth, and see what is needed to dial down your other love affair, medicine and writing. While I am patiently waiting for your book on all your incredible health wisdom, I would much rather see you not writing but hanging out with a loving kindred spirit!
Stay in the game, girl!
You are so kind and thoughtful, Carl. I love reading and re-reading what you said. I will take your words to heart. I’ve always admired your relationship with Romany!! There is so much unconditional love and devotion there. With palms pressed together, I bow to you. Love, Erica
Hi Erica. Your story put a smile on my face. A friend of mine never married, joined a walking group / barefoot bowls group when she was about 69.She met a wonderful man 5 years younger than herself. He had grown up kids and his first marriage ended amiably. A mixed activity group might be a good option. I think it also depends on the dating site. Some are terrible and some are good. A male friend found his life partner first date on a site. Happy hunting! Cheers from Oz.
Always love to hear from you, Lyn. Your suggestion is excellent. Will give it a go. Take good care. Love, Erica
Do you know how many people (including me) that you made smile today, Erica? I sat there shaking my head and laughing out loud as I read. You’re a paragon of tact and patience for managing to endure those two for even a short while! Lordy. Sending every good wish your way. xox, Janet
Haha! I’m so glad you got a good laugh. Aren’t you glad you don’t have to endure these kinds of experiences? Sending lots of good wishes to you, Janet. Erica
Now that Ii am 77 I am happy to say I am satisfied with everything in my life. I don’t need another Partner. Nice to hear from you dear Erica E.
Now I am uncertain when the book will be released. Covid shortage of paper? I will let you know. Much love surround you, Connie
Thank you, dear Connie!
Erica, that was hilarious! My first match years ago showed up at the restaurant covered in long, white dog hair and 15 years older than his picture. My excuse to leave early was that I had accepted a job in another part of the country and needed to pack. Oh, boy!
That’s hilarious, Charlotte!! Someone should put together all these stories and make a book.
I’m still laughing at your musings. Yep, you should have invoiced for the medical advice. That should have them running for the hills. I totally agree with some of the comments. Nothing big for a first meeting, like meeting over tea or coffee. You will know in a few short minutes if they are worth more of your time. I have walked away after talking for a few minutes, sometimes giggling about how these guys turned out so different than what they wrote about themselves. I had a stalker too and it took the police to convince him to leave me alone. A friend suggested that I write a book of all my stories😊 Still after meeting with many on-line, I finally struck gold and we have been together for 17 years. Hang in there. You are brave to venture out. Oh, I also didnt give my last name or phone number before that first meeting. I even had a email address that I created just for these communications. Good luck
Guess what, Peg? It was YOU I quoted, when I said that a patient told me I had to kiss a lot of toads before I found my prince!! Do you remember that? You were the one who told me to keep trying–along with my son. I am so happy that you found your life partner!!! Thanks for all the good suggestions. Thinking of you fondly, Erica
It did sound familiar. Yep, in retrospect I shouldn’t have kissed those toads and it would have made things easier. From experience and almost giving up I learned how to read between the lines of what these guys wrote. I was hooked when I found the one who didn’t boast about themselves, sounded realistic and down to earth. And that is now history.
Be safe and well
I’m so happy for you, Peg!!! Your story is inspiring.
Dear Erica,
Alas, there are toads and spiders everywhere. Keep your attention honed and instincts sharp.
Pursue your life and loves and picture your prince and allow him to come forward. And don’t believe anyone else, including your sisters “83”.
Good advice, Zev!!!
Ya’at’eeh shadi. I’ve met strange people on match.com. Desperate individuals wanting a relationship, recycled prospects (my friend and I met with the same person lol), inflated occupation, and the outdated selfies. I eventually gave up. I did meet an individual unexpectedly a few months after I got off match.com. That relationship ended after 3 years. Not sure if being in a relationship is worth it. Lol. I’m enjoying single life for now. People are so different or I’m just set in my ways. 😁
Ya’at’eeh shidezhi! I agree with you totally. I’ve also come to the same conclusion as you. You seem like you are thoroughly enjoying your life as a single person!!
I’m sure that both of those encounters were very difficult, if not scary at the time, but they sure make a fun and funny story now! I answered two singles ads in the Reporter once, both written by the same person it turned out, and I still laugh and cringe when I think about how the date transpired. Thank you for sharing this story, I needed a good laugh to start the day!
I’m so glad you got a good laugh! That’s worth a lot. I laughed too when I wrote the story–and I cringed thinking about those times. Love, Erica
My dear Erica~ I have always had the impression that the world is your soul mate~ Not many on this planet can manage all the world, but you, my friend and illustrious healer, certainly can and do. Fortunately, when 83 rolls around for you, I’ve no doubt you will maintain your ‘young at heart’ vibe, and lucky will be the two of you who finally find each other~ Much love always, Paddy
What a beautiful message, Paddy!! I love what you said and will hold it in my heart. With much love always, Erica
You are such an entertaining writer! It’s a hard concept to think I could meet someone at my age with whom I would want to spend ANY of my remaining years. Companionship with an irritant doesn’t sound like fun. I feel a little guilty for being content as a single.
I’m on the same page as you, Jackie. I have come to the same conclusion!! I hope you are thriving. I have such happy memories of our time together in France. Love, Erica
I am coming to the same conclusion myself. I wish more women spoke out about this. It’s okay to be single and enjoy it. It might save a lot of women a lot of unnecessary nightmare-ish relationships if it was more socially acceptable to be single. thanks erica! (and jackie).
I totally support you in your decisions and conclusions on this topic!!! Love, Erica
Those online dating sites grossly inflate their statistics and membership numbers, so your geographical location probably means they can’t do much for you. My friend in Baltimore was feeling depressed about the outcomes she had on eHarmony, so I looked into it rather intensively.
I’d say your friends who encouraged you to meet immediately are not weighing the risks properly. If you do this again, there is no reason to use your real name and photograph. Any decent man will understand this.
There are some niche sites for science-oriented people, sorry as I can’t remember, but I saw an ad in one of the Johns Hopkins alumni magazines online.
Currently, I have a friend who is almost 60 and father to two young children (gestational surrogate, no ex involved) who is up for grabs. He might be a nice person to meet online. Another is the same age, no children, no ex, sci-fi fan, and a decent fellow all around. Neither man is terribly excellent at communication, as you might guess, however. Both are reasonably fit and tall. Both have given up on online dating. Oh, wait, there is a third guy, same stats, no kids or ex. The latter two talk too much when given a chance because they rarely do it, but they aren’t boorish or inclined to stalk. All well-employed, though the middle one just retired early.
Hey, I could set up a little dating boutique service…
I think you missed your calling. You could be a good match maker. Thank you for thinking of me. Many good wishes, Erica
Dear Erica: what a funny experiences of you with all this internet fuss in trying to get a match!!! I think the best will be if you join an adventure group who like to go the mountains, hiking, trekking and sooner or later you will get your perfect match. Kisses for you, Hugo.
I think you are absolutely right, Hugo! Is that how you met your wife? You seem like a perfect match for each other. Sending you love and warm hugs, Erica
So wonderful to read! My husband Teddy, who you met when we dined together before your presentation at the Inside Edge, died a year ago and since then is the first time I have known personal sovereignty. I just turned 81 and am amazed at all the new opportunities I have time to take advantage of. Not looking for a third soulmate after being widowed twice. I do so miss the beautiful affection and laughter and shared love. It just feels right to be grateful for my current situation.
What a treat to hear from you, Diana. I had no idea Teddy passed. But it sounds like you are fully enjoying your life which is a godsend. I have such fond memories of our brief time together. Love, Erica
I’m still belly-laughing. so! I will not pursue the thought of Online dating. it was dim anyway. at 90 there are not many men who would be interested in me – or I them. I’ll stick to my writing to find companionship with my characters. I love this story,
Erica.
Thanks, Anne! I think you have a good plan!! Love, Erica
I enjoyed reading about your dating adventures. I’m going to offer a perspective that is a bit different from what I have read above. Perhaps because I am from a younger generation.
My main piece of advice is to take first dates with people you meet online wayyyyy less seriously. Keep them brief and just for coffee, if that.
You’ll often know alot within the first 5 minutes. And if it doesn’t feel right thank them for meeting with you, tell them it doesn’t seem like a fit, and leave.
I’m sorry that one of the fellows was creepy and that they both thought it was a chance for a free medical appointment. You deserve better than that. If anyone in the future does that, just leave. You don’t have to go out of your way to be nice to someone who behaves that way.
Online dating doesn’t follow the same customs of traditional dating. It will seem like you know alot about a person from their profile, and you do know way more facts about them than you would someone you met in person, but you also know almost nothing about how they talk, about their body language, etc. So that first meeting will give you an instinctive idea about them that is worth alot.
After a few dates, online dating isn’t any different from other kinds of dating, but that first date definitely requires a different approach. Don’t do dinner or any big date that requires a long time requirement. You have to sample a little tiny bit of time in person first…then you can decide if you want to spend more time with them.
I realize you have to decide what is best for you, but you have alot to offer a partner. And I bet many amazing potential partners with alot to offer are out there for you. It is a matter of sampling some time with a bunch of people. It may take many first dates before you find someone you want to spend more time with. But, in my opinion, it is worth it.
Also, dating can be a very helpful way to understand ourselves and work through who we are, what we want, how our soul feels, and so on. It took me several years, but I eventually became much less triggered by dating, less attached to a random person liking me, and I was able to meet some awesome people and even have fun. 🙂
I know that my experiences online dating and working through my own stuff ultimately prepared me for when I did meet my life partner. If I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have been ready.
What a nice surprise to hear from you, Django. I still feel gratitude for all you did to get the coop back on track after it went badly astray!! And thank you for the very insightful information you gave me. I will take it to heart. Yes, the younger generation seems to really know how to handle online dating. You hung in there and met your amazing life partner. The two of you seem like such a good match!! I think of you fondly. Love, Erica
Cannot stop laughing!
> Old geezers looking for free medical advice.
> Separate checks‼️ Call me old-fashioned but the man pays.
> “Strewth. I am married.”
Had me laughing out loud, Girl.
I’m still laughing myself, although at the time I didn’t think it was very funny at all!!! Hugs, Rickie
Fun and funny Erica. Some of us do marry Mother Earth. Forgiving. Deep time presence. Storyteller. Healer. I love ‘my’ Earth Wife and Sky Husband and the many wedded partners in the Web. Thich Nhat Hanh would surely approve of these beloved vows that come from reverence, care and true love❣️Perhaps you will surprise us one day with a photo of you in that very special gown.
Thank you for your wisdom, Jill Marie!! I hope you are doing well and have found a nest for yourself. Thinking of you fondly, Erica
Hi, I’m trying the comments, something is haywire….
Your comments have come through. I look forward to hearing if you have something else to say. Best wishes, Erica
Oh, dear! Can you wait a decade???
Fortunately, I have a very full and fulfilling life that sustains me. I think that when the time is right, there will be a connection with a life partner. I hope you are thriving in spite of the strange times we live in. Love to you and Christopher, Erica
Cool
Erica, what a riot!
I love your dating fiasco descriptions.
What person thinks they can bring their medical ailments to a fist date!
Thank you for your enlightening story. Much love.
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Malka. I laughed the whole time I wrote the story as the memories came flooding back. Love, Erica
I have to admit I did, indeed, laugh out loud at this. I have been navigating the social scene with some of my “couple” friends who remained friends from when Bruce was alive. Of the men I know who are widowed or single, I can’t imagine being either emotionally or, heaven forfend, physically intimate with them. If they are age appropriate and sturdy, they’re generally looking for someone 20 years younger. Otherwise, as you found out, they’re looking for a caregiver or a doctor. Unfortunately, covid panic on the part of some of my female friends has diminished that stock as well. But, fortunately, there are still a few left.
I totally agree with you, Sue. Love, Erica
I love this post, Erica! I also gave Match.com a try in 2014, 2 years after a break up. Although it wasn’t disastrous, it convinced me that I was meant to wait until my Higher Power put him (or her) in my path. As it turned out about a year later I met a neighbor while walking our dogs. He would have this aura around him whenever we bumped into each other. I always felt special when we talked, and yet there was no real reason for it. Just this aura. It was a full 3 years after we met (full of spontaneous chats in the neighborhood while walking our dogs) when he asked me out. I could have taken the initiative during that time, but I respected whatever was causing him to hesitate. Or perhaps he was another toad in my path. As it turned out, when he asked me the timing was right for us. Our 4 years together feels a lot longer than the 6 years I was un-partnered and “waiting”. When it comes to love and soulmates I believe it’s in the timing, not the time.
What a great story, Julia!! Yes, timing is everything. I’m so happy for you. All the best, Erica
OMG shideezhí, I was thinking yíiyá as we say in our language, lol. Are you writing on this kind of experience? Will be looking for more writings you are working on. Ahéhee’ for sharing. Have a hózhǫ́ day!
Ahéhee shadí. Yes, it was a yíiyá experience. Hagóoné, Lorene!!
Erica thank you for the confirmation that the universe will send us our life partner when we are truly ready for that partner. I am a 58 year old self-supporting single woman. My friends (usually my male friends) often suggest I get on a dating site. I tried it once several years ago, I found myself engaged in back-and-forth conversations that went nowhere. A big waste of time I could’ve spent those hours outside in nature, scratching around in my yard or taking a beautiful walk, climbing a mountain or simply just being still in the sunlight.
Your memoir strengthen my belief…… I believe the Universe will send my man when it knows Im ready to receive him. I choose to put myself “out there“ naturally. My future partner and I will cross paths when it’s meant to be. In the meantime I live carefree and content knowing he is on his way.
I feel the same way. Things happen in their own time. I’m totally happy living my life. It is meaningful and fulfilling. Many good wishes to you, Erica
Great stories,Erica! I laughed all the way through as I have also had similar adventures with online dating. I learned I had to set boundaries up front that I was not there for free medical consultations, but to get to know the person. I loved the married to your practice comment too! All good stuff, and I guess we have to date (not kiss) a few turkeys to learn what we want and don’t want and find someone we are a good match with!The trick for me is staying out there in the game when I am disappointed by yet another weird date!
Love you,
Patrice
Ah! So you’ve experienced this too! You have a lot of stamina to continue the search. I wish you the very best of luck, Patrice. Love, Erica
This is hilarious, and not. I have had the same experience as a psychotherapist (You may not know that I have returned to work part time?) and people in the online dating world wanting me to formally be their therapist, or to informally talk through their issues with me. That ends it for me. I start with email, then phone, then Zoom…………….well, at 83 you may find the right fit and it might just be magic!
Ah! So you know what I’m talking about! How exciting that you’re back at work part-time!! I’m so happy for you, Susi. Sending you much love, Erica
Oh Erica….talk about journeys into the mundane. Its true that Match has put lots of people together, but you are one unique woman, and have been free a long time. Moreover you have survived by hard work and grace. At the risk of being directive, Id say just keep to your life, and pay attention to who sees you. Like keeping an eye out for rattlesnakes on the path,. Not that men are snakes, but that you might not see a good one because you are so deep into medicine and your own path, that uouj might not notice. As for match…it would probably be someone in your own community who would think to introduce you to someone who is a better fit. It has to be a guy who just plain likes you, and can hold you loosely…who respects your singular nature and who has his own interests and direction. Forgive my intrusive comments here, but I could not let your narrative go unsanswered. Jan
I love your comment and appreciate that you reached out to me with your wisdom. My own intuition says that you are spot on. You really get who I am, Jan. With much love and appreciation, Erica
I love your sister’s answer as to when you will meet your life partner. I laughed heartily as I can relate to her ‘prophecy. Stay very healthy!
So happy you could relate to what my sister said. I have to admit, I was a bit shocked, but after I thought about it, the prophecy sounded believable. Love, Erica
A very entertaining read! And absolutely wonderful photographs. Thank you.
Thank you, Merideth!!!
having lived on this Earth for 7 decades AND on my 3rd marriage, and seeing friends and family go through their relationship challenges and triumphs, what I have concluded is that ‘the’ right person for you will show up when you are not deliberately looking, when you are not actively seeking to find ‘the right person’. And sometimes on this journey, one isn’t meant to be with anyone because this journey is meant for your growth, as an individual.
How true!! Great words of wisdom. Thank you! Erica
Great story.
I guess I never triggered your BS meter!
Or I should say I hope I haven’t!😃
Here’s to all excitement up ahead at 83!
Hahaha! Thanks, Mike. Much love to you and Carolyn. Erica
I enjoyed you book and this piece. I am 82 in good health and still work driving an over the road semi. Dating is not a problem since I have been married to the same good woman since 1959. The very idea of dating online seems absurd to me and is probably overpopulated with toads. Our family raised livestock and alfalfa in The San Luis Valley for over thirty years so I know your country well.
How impressive that you’re still driving a semi at 82!! That’s very inspiring! How fortunate that you found your soulmate so long ago. Thanks for your comment. Sending many good wishes your way, Erica
Well, 0 for 2 sums up reaching outside and your luscious photo of McCauley Hot Springs sums up your true nature and course.
I love how you know that letting go and making space is all you need to do to more fully be. Companionship and mateship are
all around you because of the depths you have inside.
With appreciation and respect always, love, Bob
As always, I appreciate your wisdom, Bob. Love always, Erica
Hi Erica, good morning…I could hear erik laughing out loud, I figured he was on utube watching the three stooges or Peter
Sellers, yada yada…honey please, could u be quieter, I need to focus on my writing….instead he starts howling even
Louder…tells me to get on your online dating…..hmmmm, ✅ my my my you never cease to have more interesting
Tales….we just love your sharing yourself with us all!!! This is hilariously amusing!! Thank you Erica ♥️👍
Signed by aka James Robert
I’m still laughing as all those memories came flooding back.
Good morning Erica,
I love starting the day laughing uncontrollably, this is so damn funny, you could have been a great comedian.
I’m so glad this tale has surfaced , you’ve bounced from the seriousness of your trip to Hawaii, to this crazy story, we’ve always known you are a woman of many talents……
We love you,
Erik and Di❤️❤️❤️
I laughed the whole time I wrote the story and was recalling how weird the whole experience was! Love you!!
Very interesting encounters. I would not go on one of those dating sites because I anticipate that sort of thing happening. I figure that if I meet a man who would be the sort of person I’d plan a life with, it would probably be someone I had known in the past. Now that I’m 80, I figure I’ll just go it alone. Maybe 83 will be a magic number for me too…?
Yes, I feel the same way. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. Many good wishes to you, Erica
Someone of your experience and capability can surely find a partner through your own resources. At 84, I have met a dear friend, not the soulmate my husband was, but someone who cares and respects a close relationship. I am in a wonderful active retirement residence and he lives in a nearby apartment. This setting may not be appropriate or desired by you, but friendships develop slowly and naturally.
Thank you, Helen, for sharing your wisdom with me. I came to the realization that I’m not looking for a partner at this moment. I live in a wonderful co-housing community and am surrounded by dear friends. Although that’s not the same thing as an intimate partner, for now I am happy with my situation. Many blessings, Erica
ha ha !